That helps ...

I came across this headline in 20min: This helps when the child drives you up the wall

That's what I had been longing for in the past: what can I do when the children don't do as they should.

Today, I see things "a little differently" and when I read the headline, both regret and resistance arose in me and the curiosity about the content that thus emerged made me read the article.

It is primarily about physical violence by parents in raising their children. Unfortunately, the article does not address the fact that there is such a thing as emotional or psychological violence and what can be done against it, especially in the unfortunately common rank imbalance between parents and children.

I am struck by the following sentences, which I highlight in this blog from a CSF perspective, in the hope that they may inspire thought and reflection.

"With a good emotional relationship and respectful interaction, clear boundaries can be drawn that are mutually respected and adhered to. [...] A clear attitude and line should be recognisable here."

Who sets the boundaries, and is the child able to name its own boundaries on the basis of its experience with the parents? Or do they agree to parental boundaries for the sake of peace (or out of naked fear)? And if the limits are not respected, are they then demanded and the relationship disregarded? Does the "emotional relationship" take on a new meaning because the parents' rigid demands use emotions as a means of pressure and power?

As a clear attitude and line, I don't want rules and norms that we set together once or over and over again, but rather the constant response to each other in the MOMENT - without "we agreed on that".

"Provoking also includes the needs of the child. These should be recognised. It doesn't have to be at that moment, but it helps for the future. Children need to feel that they are taken seriously."

Everything people do is an attempt to fulfil their needs (quote Marshall Rosenberg). However, these are usually unclear. Asking "what need do you have now" is hardly helpful. It takes practice in empathy so that I can recognise the needs of my counterpart. Then "being taken seriously" becomes a reality.

But: when my child "provokes", I am already in the child's condemnation. Negating that there is something in me that points to an unfulfilled need in me and blaming the child for it. From this attitude, in which I do NOT take responsibility for myself, I cannot, with the best will in the world, meet the child empathically and hardly hear his needs. Even if I know NVC, I can at best speak in this way, but I do not live the attitude.

"The social pressure on parents is enormous. One expects [...] to live in a "picture book family"."

Get rid of the social crap (Get rid of the social crap. Quote Marshall Rosenberg). How can I live myself and remain part of society? C.G. Jung was also intensely concerned with this question and this is exactly what many participants bring as a question to the NVC trainings.

Another quote from Marshall Rosenberg: If you think there is such a thing as a bad parent, you have lost.

Whose needs matter in my life at the MOMENT? Are they the ones I think other people might have, but I have never asked for? Or are they mine? Or are they yours and mine - in living, touching exchange?

"That's where you can take the liberty of seeking advice."

Do I seek advice to learn to break patterns, to become different? Do I really want to change something, to become insecure, to have failures and to learn?

Or do I seek advice to get confirmation or absolution of my previous behaviour?

My final thoughts ...

As long as adults attach a label "child" to other people, treat them differently because of this and think themselves entitled to do so, "adults" will have problems with "education" (and children with their parents).

Since I have been picturing myself "raising" my children (what shape do I have to pull and stretch the child into because it doesn't have the desired shape?), I prefer to connect and am curious about both of us. In doing so, I also meet my limits, and I am grateful to my children that I am allowed to see my limits. And I am grateful to myself that I no longer see my children as boundary pushers.

Looking forward to feedback and comments 🙂

Link to the article mentioned: http://m.20min.ch/schweiz/news/story/das-hilft–wenn-das-kind-einen-zur-weissglut-treibt-29337799