Inner attitude instead of communication methodology

Inner attitude instead of communication methodology

NVC as an attitude - what is it actually? Many people immediately think of NVC as communication techniques, but in reality it is much more than that. NVC is a way of life, a mindset that influences our relationships and interactions in profound ways. Today I would like to talk to you about why NVC is so important and how it can help us in different areas of our lives.

Let's imagine a typical scene: A parent says to their child, "Clean your room." The child's answer is: "Nope." Most parents would probably react annoyed now. But with NVC we can deal with it differently.

Instead of simply demanding, we can ask about the child's needs and feelings. We might say, "Ah, so you want to decide for yourself when you clean up?" The child might reply, "Yes, I want to do it later." We could further ask, "By when do you want it done?" In this way, we allow the child to express their needs and wishes and create space for dialogue.

But ATTENTION! Is this CSF in action? Is the attitude of equality really lived? In my experience, unfortunately not for the most part! Not yet.

As much as this may sound like NVC, feelings and needs are expressed and asked for - there is no eye level right from the start: the parent wants something to change. The expectations are often unconsciously so strong that all that is haggled over with the child is a few PLATO elements (in this case the time) - the main thing is to get the child to clean the room. The fact that the difference in rank between parent and child also plays a role is not taken into account and attempts are made to make it go away by using "softer language" - which cannot succeed. 

The child is not "only" concerned with self-determination of the time. If we really believe that, we don't see our child in its entirety, we see it only as an obstacle to a tidy room... And in doing so, we teach our child (unconsciously and unintentionally) that it ultimately has no choice, that long-term support in its own attempts to become independent is not really there and that it still has to meet the demands of others. This hardly promotes a self-empowered way of life.

So if something doesn't suit me, if I want something different from what is at the moment... Am I first ready to understand myself deeply and to fathom my needs? Then I can let go of the expectations and ONLY then can an exchange at eye level succeed.

In the children's room tidying example, this is not "order". Tidiness as "what, when, where, how has to be" carries all the criteria for a strategy, a way to fulfil needs. But what need is it that we are trying to fulfil with "order"? And what does the state of the children's room have to do with our own need?

So can I recognise that my need to contribute is coming forward, or that for simplicity, flow and ease, or that for connection, or that for protection and safety, etc.? 

Do I recognise that I am potentially projecting my needs onto my child? Do I check whether my child would really come into ease, flow and simplicity through tidying up, whether he or she wants the connection with me right now and whether this would increase through tidying up? Do I check whether my child wants to be contributed to (or whether it is not better to try to do it myself, even if not by tidying up and not now), that protection and security do not resonate with the child now?

Too quickly the child will sense when I am not really genuine, when he or she is not really heard or does not want to be heard by the parent either.

You may realise that neither the room nor the order play a role in these issues. That this strategy would not be conducive to really fulfilling the needs. Thus, needs remain unfulfilled on both sides, thus frustration and separation and resistance against each other, which both sides want to project onto each other.

The same applies at work, in professional life, in partnership, everywhere where people meet.

I wish you the courage to know yourself before you interact. I wish you the courage to break out of the socio-cultural rules of behaviour every now and then and let real connection emerge.