Needs of parents and children
The balancing act at eye level
Why needs are important
Needs are essential for every living being, they drive us through life and we always want to keep them sufficiently fulfilled. This influences our well-being, our decisions and our relationships. But what happens when needs are misunderstood or not recognised? The issue often becomes particularly complex in parent-child relationships - and misinterpretations quickly lead to conflicts, power games and (unintentional) injuries.
One misunderstanding is often at the centre of this: the assumption that needs can be hierarchically ordered or confused with expectations. Or that parents can determine, based on their role and life experience, which needs are now the right ones to address and which are now disruptive.
This misunderstanding of the fundamental importance of needs for us humans destroys the eye level between parent and child and leaves relationships characterised by power and powerlessness instead of trust and connection.
What needs really are
Needs are universal and human. They relate to basic states that we need for our well-being - such as security, autonomy, belonging or love. They are neither "selfish" nor "self-sacrificing"; they are the inner compass that helps us to stay in balance if we manage to keep them sufficiently nourished and fulfilled.
A need always relates to ourselves, never to others! When we say: "I want my child to be healthy or do well at school", this is not a genuine need, but an expectation or demand. This often has to do with our own wishes, fears or social expectations - not with the child. But it also doesn't have to do with my need, which only has to do with me. So I want to be confident in myself that at some point I will be able to fulfil my role as a parent differently, more freely. I then choose the strategy that the child "learns" to get through life on its own.
All too often, unfortunately, strategies are chosen that do not help the child to become independent, but rather to become submissive and dependent on others or to rebel against them...
Frequent misinterpretation of needs
Misinterpretation 1: Masking needs as expectations
Example: "I feel the need for you to listen to me."
What often happens here is a mixture of needs and demands. The actual need could be: "I want to be heard." The difference? Formulating it as a demand puts pressure on the other person. The inner attitude with one's own need, on the other hand, opens up many possibilities for fulfilling the need, starting with oneself.
Misinterpretation 2: Putting parental needs above those of the child
Example: "I need quiet, so you have to be quiet now."
Of course, rest and relaxation are essential, especially for parents, but also for children. However, if parents prioritise their own needs as absolute without taking the child's needs (e.g. for closeness or play) into account, this creates an imbalance. It is not an either-or situation - both needs are important and deserve genuine recognition and appreciation. Not necessarily their fulfilment at every moment.
Misinterpretation 3: Romanticising or ignoring children's needs
Example: "Children only ever need love."
Of course, love is central. But children have many different needs: for autonomy, structure, understanding. If one need is overemphasised, others often fall by the wayside.
How parents and children can be on an equal footing
Honest self-reflection:
Ask yourself: What is my real need? What do I need to feel good? How urgent is it NOW or can it be fulfilled a little later? How do I want to fulfil it? And what is possibly an expectation of my child or my partner?
Recognise and respect the child's needs:
Listen without directly judging or looking for solutions. Children often express needs indirectly - for example through behaviour that indicates closeness or attention.
Name the needs that you think you recognise or sense - in the language that the child understands. Empathise with the child. The child will thank you for recognising its concerns deep inside. You don't have to do anything yet except be there and name, feel and experience the needs together.
Attention: "I want this chocolate bar" is not a need and it is not about buying or not buying this bar. This is often an expression of "I want to have something to say", it's usually not even about sweets (on the surface it is). Reflect on how you as a parent encourage this "whining behaviour" of the child by not responding and not acknowledging this need.
It's okay if not every need can be fulfilled immediately, or not in "this one way". The important thing is that both sides are heard and valued and that the corresponding needs are fulfilled in a timely manner.
The goal: relationship instead of power games
When needs are confused or misunderstood, power struggles arise and the feeling that one loses while the other wins. But a healthy relationship works differently: it is based on mutual respect and the will to find a balance.
Parents and children who meet at eye level experience less conflict and more closeness. And this starts with honestly recognising our own needs - without placing them above those of the other person.
If you're now thinking, "That's only possible when the children are grown up", you're probably just shirking your responsibility and self-righteously putting yourself above your children...
In conclusion: A plea for clarity and connection
Needs are not a battle for priority. They are an expression of our humanity and should be treated as such - for parents and children alike. If we learn to name and recognise them clearly, without power games and recriminations, we create the basis for genuine relationships full of trust and respect. Because ultimately, it's not about who is right - it's about both being heard and that needs can and will be met.
