After the last blog "Do I see a person - or a problem" Some readers asked: "yes, and what is the right reaction when I meet someone like the man who got off the bus?" or "how do I manage not to be infected by him?" or "how do you react?
Thank you for the opportunity to elaborate on this everyday example. So in this blog: "how did I react?"
After the passengers have got off and the woman starts pushing the pram into the carriage, I hear someone coming down the stairs quickly. I think "oh, someone again who didn't realise they wanted to get off" and I feel something annoyed inside me.
The man turns the corner and I see his pace and his face. I think ... no, I feel ... stress. My organism is working noticeably faster. Things are getting tight inside me. Then I realise how I think "wow - he's really almost panicking" and something widens inside me, the tightness begins to pass and a regret starts to appear.
When the man lowers his head and his gaze darkens, I step aside and I am clear: I don't want to collide with this person now. I am too unstable and everything inside me is too stirred up to accept a physical collision easily. I think "Watch out!
His foot gets caught on the pram and he stumbles. I think "logical!" and at the same time "if only nothing happens now" and I notice how my organism switches back to alarm, my body tension increases. At the same time there is an impulse in me to help: To support him, to prevent him from falling and at the same time to prevent the pram from tipping over. Even before I have a conscious thought, I feel a paralysis, helplessness. Then I recognise the thought "Where to start? Can only do one thing at a time!" And I discover how I begin to see both the man and the woman as a problem at that moment: "None of my business - you'd better look at yourselves - I don't care" I suddenly become sad. I recognise how I suppress myself and my human intention with the thoughts and "let myself be infected by dehumanisation". My paralysis gives way, I assess that he won't fall down and take steps towards the woman approaching me.
He curses and I have a stale smile inside me at the thought "that was to be expected" and a deep regret comes up inside me. At the same time there is a tension and I think "I hope she doesn't give back".
She "gives back". I feel a powerlessness inside me, sadness and hopelessness. I think "I should give them business cards". My own cynicism makes me sigh inside and I feel a longing inside me for more goodwill, togetherness, humanity. I feel a bit dull and flushed.
I get in behind the woman and cautiously, slowly walk past her and smile at her very calmly. On my face is my feeling of regret and sadness. I recognise in her look that anger is also giving way to regret.
Outwardly, I did NOT react. Not in the sense that I did or said anything in particular. Inside myself, I noticed my reactions in great detail: consciously observed my thoughts, paid attention to my feelings. I am very grateful to myself that I stayed with myself - and thus ultimately helped the woman to relax: her anger gave way and regret became visible. Imagine if we had been ranting together about "the stupid guy" - an alliance on adrenaline! Seen in this light, I reacted in a way that contributed to humanity on the outside.
Will I react the same way next time? As Martin Buber said, every situation, no matter how similar, is like a newborn child: unique. And there is calm serenity in me at this thought, because my constant training in NVC has brought me into an attitude that allows me to react in a similarly mindful and human way. Before, I would certainly have stood in the man's way to show him that it was his problem if he didn't get out in time, and I would have been annoyed for quite a while afterwards ...
How about observing your thoughts and feelings today and perhaps noticing how consciously you react or "it just reacts with you"?