Criticism

Criticism

Criticism is the evaluation of an object or an action on the basis of a standard. At least that's what it says on Wikipedia.

So when you criticise, you apply standards and compare whether something is too short or too long, good or bad.

There are two sides to criticism: giving criticism is one side. The other side is receiving criticism.

This can mean that both have the same rating or a different rating.

Then you can quickly get to the heart of the criticism, usually without realising it: because the other side's yardstick is called into question. Or the method of measurement, or if that doesn't help either, the other side as a whole is called into question.

The scale as a reference system for evaluation is therefore of crucial importance! And there are different types of scales.

No, I'm not talking about tape measures or rulers and so on...

On the one hand, there are more or less clearly defined and equally more or less communicated societal and social standards. What is appropriate and what is not. How to behave and how not to behave. What is beautiful and what is not.

You immediately realise that apart from laws and regulations or standards, there is a lot that is not so clearly defined and yet we somehow have it in us.

You also realise that there are cultural differences. What here applies, applies there or at least differently.

That's the kind of yardstick I'm most confronted with in everyday life.

From the point of view and with the awareness of a more humane coexistence, there is a different standard.

The yardstick is me, or more precisely: the level of fulfilment of my needs. This is how I judge myself and not the other side or the action or the result of the action (for example, the object as defined by Wikipedia).

Let's look at the impact of these two types of standards - and ultimately criticism.

The effects of socio-cultural standards.

Because they are usually unfocussed and impersonal, such criticism is usually not well received. It often comes across as grumbling. Resistance arises because... that was meant quite differently, you've taken the wrong yardstick and in general you misunderstand, because that's the way it is...

It leads to nothing, or as Shakespeare said: "Much ado about nothing".

Quite apart from the fact that when I tell someone what was right or wrong, I'm pretty much elevating myself above the other person and presuming to pass judgement on them from above. And by standards that aren't even mine... How weird is that? I might be hiding behind others who say the same thing and so on.

In my experience, all of this leads to an active erosion of relationships and a breakdown of trust.

The effects of personal need levels as a yardstick.

This can also sometimes be blurred or at least difficult to understand at first. But it is clearly personal. Critics who do not know this standard cannot hear it. In their ears, they hear exactly the same criticism as before. So when I talk about my need levels, I should make the effort to express myself in such a way that the other side can hear me and preferably not use it against me.

And there is another important, large dimension to it: it is quite easy to express unfulfilled needs where they are currently making themselves felt. But then we usually only get to the symptom. Because the cause lies deeper. What is really important to me, what really concerns me, is something bigger and something more hidden. It takes time for me to realise this, it requires a process to get there.

Most of the time, what I then realise is so personal and really has nothing to do with the other side (except that they have drawn my attention to it) that I can't really change anything important to me by criticising them. Even if I express the criticism in a "formal-GFK-ish" way. I am then in a completely different place with myself! Connection or relationship is then usually more important than criticism...

So...

So it's not "You're too loud, be quiet now".

Not even "I don't have enough rest" and the other side should do something.

And not really "I need more rest" and go to another room.

This could be something like: Being more mindful of my energy and balance so that I can react early enough and steer myself so that there are no unexpected reactions. And now that I'm aware of this, I realise how calm and curious I am about what's going on.

Then it might not even be criticism, but something that unites us...

So check if something is bothering you:

1. Is your yardstick just "something you should"?

2. What need arises in you?

3. Would you like to take time for you and dig deeper into what lies beneath the first symptom need?

4. And then, with a deeper awareness, look at the situation again and listen to yourself? And reconsider what makes the most sense now?