Projection

Don't be a projector!

• You know he's always so precise, everything has to go his way, so narrow-minded!
• You're always so loud, can't you have a decent conversation for once?
• Finally tidy up your room, it's an unrivalled mess. We definitely have a tidy room here!
• Or: He's such a great guy, he's so friendly, courteous, always smiling, helpful.

In the first three examples, what doesn't fit is expressed: 'He's too precise, loud, untidy'. In the fourth example, it's the other way round, saying what's exceptionally great: 'He's so friendly'.

Of course, these are all assessments, judgements that we make about the other person, even the judgements that we have about the other person. 

If we now also take into account the psychological aspect of projection, it gets even more complicated: these are judgements about ourselves!

We may not allow ourselves to be loud and messy - so we naturally notice when others don't live up to our expectations and standards. They don't behave the way we would expect ourselves to. We may also like to be precise, but we don't like to be seen as a stickler and have heard things like "you're a stickler". So we reject a certain degree of precision - in ourselves and in others.

Likewise, when the other person is so great. Of course I'm friendly too, or to be more precise: I also identify with "I'm friendly". But I also experience a lot of frustration, listlessness, etc. 

If I then unconsciously carry this into living with other people and don't really express friendliness, this will unfortunately create distance rather unconsciously. I then experience less joie de vivre and see it in others - sometimes even enviously, but also admiringly.

In the new, lived paradigm, projection is something central. As long as I am trapped in other people and in my judgement of them, I cannot really recognise my own needs. I am, so to speak, still with the expectations of others. I can express this through the use of words in non-violent communication, also through I-messages about my feelings and needs - but beware, this is too superficial and will also be double-signalled.

It's about me - I react. It's not about the other person!

I can consciously ask myself: What do I see in the other person? What do I interpret? What touches me about what I experience with this person? It's not so much to do with the other person, but more with me as the person experiencing it. Because it resonates within me, something resonates, something resonates. It has to do with my own life, my backpack of experiences, imprints and learned behaviour and reaction patterns. Other people may react very differently in the same situation.

Yes - now thoughts might arise in you when you read this. Resistance that says: "No, others experience the same thing" or even "No, everyone sees it that way".

It may look like that, but beware: there is another mechanism behind it. The moment we don't like something, when we pass judgement on others, we want to be right. After all, it would be embarrassing if we had to admit: sorry, I've just made a rather harsh and confused judgement about you... So we look for allies, others who think the same way as me. This then confirms my judgement of the other person and proves me right. In all these everyday examples that I showed at the beginning, it is easy to find allies: These are social patterns and imprints that live in us very similarly - but not identically. However, we don't go into these 'intimate' details in our conversations; we stick to the judgemental surface when we talk about them.

So: it has to do with me. What do I not allow myself to do? In the negative, "because I don't like it", or in the positive, "because I'm just not that good at it". What is my conviction that I am currently throwing at the other person in an expectantly judgemental manner?

What beliefs, patterns and imprints are behind them? If I were to understand these rigid structures as living needs, what ideas would there be to fulfil them? I don't need the other person, the person I'm making a judgement about, to do this. That is entirely up to me. My process, my healing.

So: Every time you feel tension, discomfort, irritation, something strange, an unpleasant feeling: STOP. Realise that it is YOU and that you are projecting. And then go deeper into yourself, release the other person, they have only just helped you to go through this process. So let go of the specific case in this moment, this moment, and go into your life patterns.

This will really change you! It will affect you much less, you will go through life more powerfully and joyfully - and experience a much higher quality of relationship.